“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
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Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Trumpy Cat
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”