I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
You Might Also Like
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.