Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
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[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I wish this was real life…
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
“Why you watching this shit?”
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.