If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
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Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?