The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
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Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
peeping toms
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
For the baby who has everything
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.