No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
You Might Also Like
The real reason evolution started..😂
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.