Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
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Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
we’re gonna need another temp
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Check your privilege
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now