A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
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me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
This classic never gets old . . .
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Oh. My. God.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.