date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
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Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?