KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
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[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.