Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
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Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”