Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
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Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.