So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
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*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!