My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
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*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
When you’re here for the treats.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Sponch
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol