Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
You Might Also Like
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Miscakes
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.