Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
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New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.