Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
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The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
what could possibly go wrong?
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions