A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
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5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.