lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
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Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.