No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
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My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Extremely relatable.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”