Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
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Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Beware of fowl play.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?