If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
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Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
man: wait
time: no
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*