Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
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PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Selfie