Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
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So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.