She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
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Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.