News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
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When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Roses are red, you always mattered,
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.