Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
You Might Also Like
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
sensitive skin
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.