One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
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You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Festive toon…
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.