[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
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Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
classic mixup
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!