Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
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Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
me irl
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print