DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
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What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
seems fine
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.