“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
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Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Finally!
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it