*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
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If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.