Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
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[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Nothing to do, you say?
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?