ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
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Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana