me talking to family:
βΆπββββββββ 00:02me talking to friends:
βΆ πββββββββ 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix βPopplesβ series & live action Flintstones movies:
βΆ πββββββββ 1:54:28
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Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
[cop sniffing me] youβre all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] Iβll try
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: β¦
I canβt believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, βif you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.β
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they donβt allow fire arms in the building.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.