Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
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How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Risking my life for fun.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.