Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
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Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.