– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
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Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
*mops up wine with cat*
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.