I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
They’re the worst 😩
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.