Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
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These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Put this video in the Louvre
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.