When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
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I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
#parenting
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.