[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
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We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
ouch
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Who says great literature is dead?