Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
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Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
“Why you watching this shit?”
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.