A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
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GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.