*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
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I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.