As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
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It’s a gift
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.