*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
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If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Real House Wines.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?