VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
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As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.