Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
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absolute chaos
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?